Poppycock and Sunshine

The adventures of a crazy girl trying to live a quiet, slower Provincial lifestyle in an hectic, fast paced, American society.

Shit. May 10, 2009

Filed under: Rants and Raves — May-May Golly @ 6:34 pm

“Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.”

-Anthony Hopkins

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I received a heart wrenching email from an old friend today. It was one of those things that just hits you over the head as if with a large, sturdy baseball bat. I had sent her this fluffy and to be frank, nauseating, email about how I’m getting married again and wouldn’t I just love to send her an invitation to the reception. Fluff. That’s all it was. The nerve of me. This was a dear friend…. someone who at one time has been as close as a sister to me. We  were in diapers together. I was there for the birth of her first 2 children. We were there for each other through everything. But this is also someone who I have not spoken to in a year. Her email was understandably wrought with pain. And hurt. And confusion. Where have I been the past 3 years? Why did I pull away from her? Her sister abandoned her.

I feel terrible. Why did I do this. How could I do this. The whole thing has really made me look within myself and think about things I’d rather not. 

She was my maid of honor. At my last wedding. Of the second marriage that failed. And when it all fell apart, I shut down. I had nothing left. I had nothing left for her. I don’t know what I can do about that.

I feel as if I just fumble my way through life. All I can do is apologize to those who are drug along for the ride. Apologize for being a horrible friend. For not having anything more to give. For saving the last little bit that I did have for the preserving of myself. The preserving of my sanity. Your psyche has strange ways of dealing with loss and pain. Sometimes it just shuts it all off at the main breaker. It’s the armadillo. Time to curl up into a tight ball and protect yourself. Do not expose yourself again for fear you will feel more pain and loss than you already do. And so you shut down. You don’t call. You don’t write. You hurt someone you love.

I don’t think she’ll be coming to the reception. I think I can understand why.

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7 Responses to “Shit.”

  1. Brandy Says:

    Oh, God, sweetie, I’m so sorry!!

    I’m sad to report that I know precisely the process of which you speak. When I was hurt deeply by some people who meant everything to me (at the time) I went through those same symptoms. I shunned everyone I knew; shed the connections to the outside world. I wanted to be done with them, and I lost all of them but one. And only because, somehow, she forced that lifeline back open and keep making the effort to talk to me. I was lucky in that, though it took me years to be able to reach out to her in return. I am so sorry that you had to be hit by a switch like this and I hope that you won’t blame yourself too much for a time period you couldn’t help. The damage can repaired, but I don’t think it could ever be in time for your reception.

    You are not to blame for what you had to do to, as you said, keep sane. You are not that person anymore, you are someone new and beautiful and wonderful. I know this, because I love you. You’re someone I am happy to count among my friends. And though sometimes I feel like an awful friend for not calling you or getting to see you all that often, I still care very much for you. Don’t forget, now, you hear?

  2. cindy Says:

    Hugs, Faith. Not to be tossing blame around….but….she had a phone on her end too….she could have easily made some moves and it doesn’t sound like she did either. Two gals just trying to deal.

    Another yaya saying that’s appropriate here:
    Don’t beat the baby!
    Meaning give yourself a break….some grace. I think its from the book…don’t remember now….I’ll have to ask one of the gals with a better memory than mine. 🙂

  3. Tink Says:

    Braveheart…that is what you are and that is exactly what it takes to look at our past’s and own our parts. All we have to do is own our part love…no more no less.
    Dang if life isn’t just plain messy…..I have lost two best friends in my adult life, both of them slipped away when their marriages failed…both of them were like sisters to me and both times my heart felt like it would never be mended again.
    Alas, it has!
    I believe in healed broken hearts and I believe in hope. I am praying you and your friend will be able to overcome the gap of pain and forgiveness will win!!
    Much love to you Braveheart~

  4. Jennifer Says:

    Oh dearie, how heart breaking! Coming from a position of having been TOLD by someone I considered an old and dear friend, “I don’t have time to be your friend”; I can say that while the pain is there, there is also room and desire for reconnection. If you want reconnection, pursue it. I agree with Brady that it can happen. Maybe not to the degree and place of before, but it can happen.
    Lots of love to you! Hope to see you soon! (we HAVE to do something while I’m housesitting for my parents!)

  5. pam Says:

    Dear Faith – you expressed your feelings so well here ! People make mistakes, genuine ones, and learn by them. I think the circumstances you have described show honesty on both sides. Everyone has something in life that they feel they didn’t deal with particularly well – the pain you were both feeling at different times has been expressed now and revealed. That can’t be a bad thing, and what you have expressed here is admirable. Really Faith, all you were trying to do was reconnect. You were not a “horrid” friend, but a hurting one in those years. The “fluff” was simply happiness. Don’t be too hard on yourself. None of us are perfect people, and when you think of it, how unbearable would the sanctimonious aspect of perfect people be. I think you’re introspection on this has thrown up some interesting insights, – you still come out of it as being very thoughtful and caring in my eyes!

  6. daniela Says:

    sweet faith,
    pam has perfectly articulated exactly what i wished to say as well. perfectly. and what i would like to add my lovely friend, is that while i have disappeared and retreated into my own world of grief and pain, with nothing to offer you or any friends, you continue to send such kindness and loving juju my way. we are all evolving and learning different things at different times, but your intentions dear faith are always through love. xo

  7. Breeayn Says:

    I never stopped loving you. I thought about you every day, I worried about you every day. I was angry with you every day, I forgave you every day.

    I will always be there for you, whenever and wherever you need me. You are the only sister I have.

    And I did call, numerous times.


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