“Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then.”
I received a heart wrenching email from an old friend today. It was one of those things that just hits you over the head as if with a large, sturdy baseball bat. I had sent her this fluffy and to be frank, nauseating, email about how I’m getting married again and wouldn’t I just love to send her an invitation to the reception. Fluff. That’s all it was. The nerve of me. This was a dear friend…. someone who at one time has been as close as a sister to me. We were in diapers together. I was there for the birth of her first 2 children. We were there for each other through everything. But this is also someone who I have not spoken to in a year. Her email was understandably wrought with pain. And hurt. And confusion. Where have I been the past 3 years? Why did I pull away from her? Her sister abandoned her.
I feel terrible. Why did I do this. How could I do this. The whole thing has really made me look within myself and think about things I’d rather not.
She was my maid of honor. At my last wedding. Of the second marriage that failed. And when it all fell apart, I shut down. I had nothing left. I had nothing left for her. I don’t know what I can do about that.
I feel as if I just fumble my way through life. All I can do is apologize to those who are drug along for the ride. Apologize for being a horrible friend. For not having anything more to give. For saving the last little bit that I did have for the preserving of myself. The preserving of my sanity. Your psyche has strange ways of dealing with loss and pain. Sometimes it just shuts it all off at the main breaker. It’s the armadillo. Time to curl up into a tight ball and protect yourself. Do not expose yourself again for fear you will feel more pain and loss than you already do. And so you shut down. You don’t call. You don’t write. You hurt someone you love.
I don’t think she’ll be coming to the reception. I think I can understand why.